If you laugh a lot, when you get older, your wrinkles will all be in the right places!
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Respect
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
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Elderly Sisters
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Respect
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
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Elderly Sisters
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," as she knocks on her wooden table for good measure.She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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Common Sense
A elderly man limped into the doctor's office and said, "My knee is really hurting. I can hardly walk!"
The young doctor looked at him and asked, "Sir, how old are you?"
"I'm ninety-eight!" he answered proudly.
The doctor sighed and said, "Sir, I'm sorry to be so blunt, but look at you. You're almost one hundred years old and you're complaining that your knee hurts! What did you expect?
The elderly man replied, "Well, young man, my other knee is ninety-eight years old, too, and it doesn't hurt!"
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Proposal
A handsome elderly man moved into an assisted living facility. He soon noticed that a woman was constantly staring at him. After a few days, he approached her and asked, "Ma'am, why are you starring at me?"
"You look just like my third husband," she replied.
"How many times have you been married?" he asked.
She answered, "Twice."
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Thinking Fast-Blogged on Jan. 28, 2010
One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and pick some fruit. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to carry the fruit back.
As he neared the pond, he heard shouting and laughing. As he came closer, he saw that it was a group of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence, and they all hurried to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and shouted back, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond." Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator!"
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Trophy Wife
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, showed up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful young blonde. She hangs all over Bob and listens to his every word.
His buddies at the club were all amazed.
At the first chance they cornered him and asked, "Bob, how'd you get such a trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replied, "Girlfriend! She's my wife!"
Awed, they asked, "So how'd you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age," Bob replied.
"What did you tell her- that you were 50?"
Bob smiled and said, "No, I told her I was 90."
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Walking In Their Shoes
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Walking In Their Shoes
"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes!"
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The Senior's Breakfast Special
(Blogged on May 31, 2010)
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "Senior's Special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you $2.49 because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously.
"Yes!!" stated the waitress.
"I'll take the special," my wife said.
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.
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I Hate Weddings! Blogged on July 11, 2010
(Use this one at your own discretion!!)
A young man was explaining why he hates weddings. "I hate weddings," he said, "because old people always poke me in the side and say, 'You're next!'.... So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals."
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Dinner Party
Blogged on July 11, 2010
After having dinner with some friends, the adults were sitting around the table drinking coffee and talking. The hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally naked and started walking slowly around the dining room table. Their parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was going on and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and continued talking.
After the children walked all the way around the table and were heading out the door, one of them whispered, "See. I told you it was vanishing cream!"
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Adam & Eve
The Senior's Breakfast Special
(Blogged on May 31, 2010)
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "Senior's Special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you $2.49 because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously.
"Yes!!" stated the waitress.
"I'll take the special," my wife said.
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.
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I Hate Weddings! Blogged on July 11, 2010
(Use this one at your own discretion!!)
A young man was explaining why he hates weddings. "I hate weddings," he said, "because old people always poke me in the side and say, 'You're next!'.... So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals."
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Dinner Party
Blogged on July 11, 2010
After having dinner with some friends, the adults were sitting around the table drinking coffee and talking. The hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally naked and started walking slowly around the dining room table. Their parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was going on and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and continued talking.
After the children walked all the way around the table and were heading out the door, one of them whispered, "See. I told you it was vanishing cream!"
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Adam & Eve
Adam bit the apple and was embarrassed because he didn't have any clothes on. He covered himself with a fig leaf. Eve, too, felt embarrassed and covered herself with a fig leaf. Then she went behind a tree to try on a banana leaf, a palm leaf, a mango leaf and a ...
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Golf Lover
A man and his friend are out playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in prayer.
His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man replies, "Well, it's the least I can do since we were married 35 years."
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"A fool and his money...Are fun to go out with!
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Proof That Men Have Better Friends
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
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Eating Some Peanuts
An elderly man’s family could no longer take care of him so they were forced to put him into a nursing home. On the first day at the home, he was laying in bed, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to see how he was doing.
“How are you today” she asked, “your first day, I see.” The man replied with a nod.
In no time they were talking up a storm. As the conversation continued, the orderly began eyeing the room. It was filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and helped herself to a handful.
As the two continued to talk, the orderly kept eating the peanuts. She looked at her watch and noticed that nearly two hours had passed. “My goodness, the time has gone quickly,” she exclaimed. “I need to get back to work.”
“That’s okay,” said the man. “I feel much better after being able to talk to someone.”
Looking at the bowl of peanuts, the orderly said, “I feel awful! I ate most of your peanuts!”
“That’s okay,” the man responded. “Ever since I got these false teeth, all I can do is suck all the chocolate off of them.”
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Money
There was a man that worked all of his life and loved to save his money. He was a real miser! He loved money more than just about anything.
When he knew that his life was coming to a close, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all of my money and put it in the casket with me. I'm going to take it with me to the afterlife."
So he got his wife to promise that when he died, she would put all of his money in the casket with him.
Sure enough, he died. He was stretched out in the casket. His wife was sitting with her best friend. When the ceremony was finished and the undertakers were ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait a minute!"
She walked to the casket and placed a shoe box in it. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in his casket."
"Yes," the wife said, "I promised him I would put the money in the casket with him and I can't lie."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?" her friend asked.
"I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check."
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The Water Pistol
My five year old son squealed with delight when he opened his birthday present. It was a water pistol. He promptly ran to the sink to fill it.
"Mom," I said. "I'm surprised you bought him that! Don't you remember how we drove you crazy with water pistols?"
My mom smiled and said, "Yes, I remember."
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A boss asked one of his employees, "Do you believe in life after death?"
"Yes, sir," replied the employee.
"I thought you would," said the boss. "Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"
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Support a Family
The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girl friend's father, "Do you make enough money to support a family?"
"Well, no, sir," he replied. "I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
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Wet Floor
Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrived on the scene.
After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant.
"Hello, Sarge."
"Yes"
"It looks like we have a homicide here."
"What happened?"
"The wife shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."
"Have you placed her under arrest?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."
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New Hearing Aid
A man was talking to his neighbor. "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars and it's state of the art. It's perfect!"
"Really?" asked the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty", the man replied.
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Express Lane
I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to purchase today?"
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Sleeper Car
(One of Larry King's favorite jokes)
A train goes every night from New York to Chicago. It leaves NY at midnight, gets to Chicago at 9am. A man gets on and checks into his berth, getting ready for the evening. It's an all sleeper train. Suddenly the door opens and a woman comes in.
Now, normally Amtrak would not sell a ticket on a sleeper train to a man and woman who were not husband and wife, but the woman did not object since the train was sold out. She got into the lower berth and the man got into the upper berth as the train headed to Chicago.
After a while, the man said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"
The woman replied, "I've got a better idea...just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
"Great!" says the man as he starts to climb down from the upper berth.
"Good" says the woman. "Now, get your own darn blanket!"
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Ice Cream Sundae
My husband had taken our four-year-old grandson, Garrison, out to a restaurant for lunch. When they finished their meal, Grandpa asked if he'd like an ice cream sundae. Garrison quickly replied, "No, Grandpa, I want ice cream today!" ~Jennifer Lester
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Contentment I
Why is the man with 10 children more content than a man with a million dollars? Because the man with a million dollars wants more.
Contentment II
A man traveled a long distance to visit a monastery which was high on a cliff. The monks greeted him and said, "Please let us know if there is anything you need while you are staying with us and we will let you know how you can live without it."
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Weight Gain
Women who gain weight have a longer life expectancy than men who comment on it!
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Finances
I overheard two seniors talking about their finances.
The first one said he was having trouble paying all
his bills. The second one said, "I'm so broke,
I can't even pay attention!"
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A Woman's Job
Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find dinner on the table, the laundry done, and the house straightened up. She was astonished!
It turns out that Bob had read an article that said, "Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired for romance."
The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her Red Hat friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Bob even cleaned up the kitchen. He folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening."
"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.
"Oh, that...Bob was too tired."
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Bad Luck
An elderly man was laying in his hospital bed,
his wife of 55 years at his side.
"Irene," he said, "You were with me 55 years ago
when I was at the Veterans hospital."
"Yes," she said.
"And you were with me when our house burned
down and we lost everything."
"Yes, I was" she said again.
"And you're with me now," he continued.
"Yes, I'm here," replied Irene.
"Irene," her husband replied, "You're bad luck."
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